This blog is hibernating

Move over David Copperfield, I am awesome at this disappearing act!

I'm stating the obvious at this point, but I'm not really knit blogging anymore. I will attempt to explain myself briefly before I disappear again, but it has a lot to do with infertility and the life after.

The first big lull in my blogging, in early 2009, corresponds to the period in trying to conceive where you have been at it so long and know something is wrong because you are still not pregnant, but can't bring yourself to get help yet. This post was written just before our official diagnosis by a specialist. It was followed by exactly 5 more posts before I disappeared in early 2010, after we were told that IVF was our only option for having children that were biologically related to both of us, and we were in no position to afford IVF. 2010 sucked so bad, I gotta tell you. I was in therapy A LOT that year. Also, a very close friend of mine - the only friend who could have related to our infertility if I had had the guts to talk about it then - attempted and then committed suicide in late 2010, adding substantially to the suckage.

Honestly, there was just no way I could keep the desire for a child and the disappointment at not having one from completely taking over my life. I managed to keep knitting, keep working, keep the pets fed, keep our marriage alive, but a lot of life fell by the wayside. I let go of a lot of personal relationships (including the blog, which I do see as a personal relationship) because I just. could. not. handle it. I was a zombie with slightly better complexion.

Apart from one post in 2011 about donating pattern proceeds, I was MIA again until early 2012, when I got some wind back in my sails because, after two years, we were ready to go forward with IVF. And then the IVF process started in February and that's a full time job in itself. So poof I went, once again.

And then the disappearing continued, since our babies - our long awaited, very expensive, but oh so wanted and loved babies - arrived, one in late 2012 and one earlier this year. I still have a hard time believing it. The truth is that neither of us expected to ever have a baby after 4 years of failure. We expected IVF to be a bust, and to go on our (not so) merry, childless way. Life can turn around so quickly one's measly brain can't comprehend it.

So I still do some knitting these days - kids' sweaters, kids' toys, kids' socks, kids' mittens... When I was pregnant with baby #1, I opened the box where I had hidden all the baby things I made in the years leading up to infertility, and boy, was that great and awful all at once. I was confronted with the life I thought I would live at one time when I didn't know any better. And it reminded me of helping my now-deceased friend clean out her garage in 2007 and purge all the things she had stashed for almost a decade in preparation for a baby that never came. (In addition to the boyfriend sweater rule, they should probably also have a baby rule, where you shouldn't knit for a future baby until you are at least 20 weeks into pregnancy.)

I occasionally think I should post pictures or write patterns for what I knit, but it's just not in the cards at this point in my life, and that's a good thing because it means I'm spending time with my fabulous kids. But I'm happy that the patterns I have written live on and continue to be knit into marvelous, unique creations. If you have a question about a pattern, you can still email me, and someday, when life slows down a bit, I'm sure I will get back to the blogging.

Happy knitting to you!